Advice From

The author and her Grandma Glo
Courtesy of Kristen Garbarre

August 31, 2011
While our grandparents may not fully understand modern dating rituals (and might scoff at the idea of a man asking a woman out via text message, no matter how common it might be to young people today), they can often provide wisdom to guide us both in life and in love.
In her newly released memoir, How to Love an American Man: A True Story, Kristine Gasbarre details how the love lessons her grandmother Gloria—whom she calls "Grandma Glo"— forever changed her perspective on what it really means to be in love. Here, she shares just some of the advice that Glo imparted on her.
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Decide what you want out of life first.
Grandma told me that every woman holds a vision of herself in her heart. "You have to decide on the things you want in life and address them before you can commit to someone else," she said. This piece of advice was the most shocking, because I thought she'd tell me the energy I'd invested in my career, my travels and my evolved world view were selfish endeavors. Instead, she applauded me for sowing my wild oats—and shaping myself into an interesting, self-knowing woman—before settling down with a man. She said that when I met the right guy, my sense of self-knowing wouldn't chase him away, but would rather make him love me even more.
There's a difference between dedicating yourself to a man and losing yourself in him.
Ever since I was a kid, I feared that the commitment I felt toward my personal goals would scare men away. After all, how often have we been told that strong women are "intimidating" to men? Grandma emphasized how important it is to give a man his space, and to pursue your own ways of staying occupied. ("You live your life, and he lives his," Grandma said.) Without her own interests and identities firmly intact, it's easy for a woman to lose herself in her relationship. Glo taught me that a man doesn't love a woman because she strives to be the best possible wife or girlfriend to him, cooking and cleaning and doing everything "right." Rather, she said "he loves her simply because she exists."
A man needs a friend.
My grandma never nagged, no matter how much my grandpa's work kept him away from home. I'd always known that American men take a lot of pride in their work, but Grandma explained how strongly a man's identity comes from how he views himself in his professional life. He'll have moments of glory and success, but he'll also feel intense pressure to be competitive and to provide for his family. "A man needs someone who supports his work. Someone who hugs him and means it when he walks through the door at night," she said.
To be with a really good man, you have to be courageous.
What made my grandfather so special was how passionate he was about having a significant impact in his world. However, sometimes his commitment to that mission came at the cost of the attention he gave my grandmother. "You have to have courage," Glo says. "And patience. Lots of patience. ... The successful ones are usually the last to wear their hearts on their sleeves. … They need you to tell them that it's OK to be vulnerable. You have to strong." Grandma taught me that a woman has to have enough assurance in herself that in moments when he's distracted from the relationship, she will be fine on her own.
Shared values are more important than shared opinions.
In any solid relationship, there will be topics where each partner differs in opinion from the other—and that's a good thing. "Your role is to be an individual," she told me. "And to let your partner be one too." What's most important is how open both partners are to seeing things similarly when it comes to the big values like health, childrearing, faith and keeping a positive attitude when money's tight or when one spouse is feeling down. This will predict a lot about the sustainability of their love, says Glo.
Stop focusing on what you lack.
Reframing my single-girl loneliness led to a very positive change in my romantic life. When I became really invested in coming to know my grandma as a person and appreciating her life (and love) experience, I forgot how bummed I'd been that I didn't have a partner myself. One of the most important lessons she taught me wasn't with her words, but with her companionship: She showed me that when we stop focusing on ourselves and turn our attention to others who need love, we then become a source of love, and that's when we attract it.
Being self-sufficient is the best gift you can give yourself.
In my research as a journalist, I learned that American women are sometimes accused of being too self-sufficient, but Grandma surprised me by telling me this: "All your life, the only one you can always count on, 100 percent of the time, is you." She emphasized in her approach to womanhood that a woman's relationship with herself is just as important as how she relates to people around her, including her mate.
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