Caroline Rules

From marriage dilemmas to family issues, Caroline's got the answers!
Photo by Michael T. Greco

February 10, 2012
Caroline Manzo puts the real in The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and her fans relate to the reality star's no-nonsense attitude, focus on family and, above all, abundant common sense. In this column, Caroline helps solve your most pressing dilemmas.
The Dilemma: How do you deal with having a family member who no longer will speak to you? Or, conversely, someone who wronged you in the past to the point where you no longer want to have a relationship with them? How can you navigate an estrangement to make things less awkward for other family members, and moving forward, is there a way to rebuild the relationship?
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Caroline's Ruling: There's an old saying: You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. Ain't that the truth! A family is a group of people bound by blood, but sometimes that just isn't enough. I hear it all the time from friends and I've felt this way myself at times: I love him/her to death but I just don't like them.
Sound familiar? Family feuds are horrible, they're toxic and they affect every single member of the family, from the oldest to the youngest. So how do you navigate your way around these feelings? Keep in mind that the issues you're having with this person are your issues and no one else's. In other words, don't spread the infection. It's safe to say that there will ultimately be a line drawn, where family members will begin to take sides. That's unfair to everyone—no one deserves this, and doing so will only make the disconnect wider and uglier.
If you're at a family gathering, then be cordial and respectful. Your parents, brothers, sisters, etc. don't deserve to have their holiday or family gathering ruined over something that has nothing to do with them. Find a common ground, and work on being positive instead of feeding the negative. In other words, put your big girl (or boy) pants on!
As far as rebuilding the relationship goes, I think you need to have a realistic view of the situation. Hold the grand expectations, and be happy with baby steps. If you can't agree on the hows and the whys, then maybe you need to wipe the slate clean. This is so much harder than it sounds. Admitting that although there's been hurt, there's room for forgiveness and accountability will take time, effort and maturity.
However, you also need to accept that people can't be changed. Maybe this person isn't ready. Maybe you're in a different place in your life than he or she is. Maybe you look at the world differently than this person does and there will always be waves in the water. My only advice to that is to keep your front door open. One day, your family member may surprise you and walk in. When he or she does, smile and put on the coffee.
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