Crushed

Andrea Syrtash: Photo by Jacqueline Dormer

October 20, 2011
By Andrea Syrtash, author of Cheat on Your Husband (With Your Husband!)
I've developed crushes on everyone from the cute guy who checks me out (literally) at the grocery store to old friends I've reconnected with on Facebook. These crushes are fleeting and fun, and I've learned they're not a cue that my marriage is in trouble. It's human nature to crave excitement, to be curious about others and to want to know I still got it. Put simply, it's unrealistic to believe that any of us will only have eyes for our spouses throughout time. Therefore the question is not “How will I avoid being tempted by other men while I'm married?” but rather “What will I do when I have a crush on someone other than my partner? Here are five strategies to try:
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Strategy 1: Stop Suppressing
The reality is that most of us will develop attraction, curiosity and excitement about other people over the course of our marriages. And, if we suppress those feelings, then we could make things worse. Unlike keeping your cool when a coworker irritates you during a meeting, tamping down feelings related to your relationship over a sustained period can have a physiological cost, says clinical psychologist Dr. Doug Mennin. "It takes consistent effort to suppress our expressions or our emotional experience," he says. In other words, your brain works harder to fight feelings than it does to accept them.
Strategy 2: Remove The Taboo Factor
Have your husband meet your crush. While it may seem counterintuitive to suggest that your partner and the person you've developed an attraction to should become friendly, the more you see your man hang out with your crush, and the more your crush sees you interact with your mate, the less appealing a covert hookup will likely feel to you both.
Chances are if you're crushing on someone, you've brought up his name around your husband; so your man is probably aware that this other man exists. That said, there is no need to tell your husband about your crush on that man. Some secrets are better left unsaid.
Strategy 3: Let Your Crush Boost Your Marriage
A crush can remind you of the woman you are—or want to be—which can be very seductive when you've hit a stale point in life.
Feeling excited about a crush can even benefit your relationship, if you allow it to. In fact, according to sex counselor Dr. Ian Kerner, fantasizing about a crush is a healthy and natural part of our imagination that "allows you to explore taboos and aspects of your sexuality that you may not want to experience with your partner.” He adds that this kind of mental role play can act as 'training wheels' to help you figure out what turns you on in your relationship.
Give your marriage (and your life!) the boost that you're craving from another man: Explore a new area of town with your partner, excavate your special panties, decide to kiss your man passionately. These experiences will produce dopamine, a neurotransmitter that will actually trick your brain into thinking your love is new.
Strategy 4: Remove Yourself From The Situation
A crush becomes a threat to your relationship when you begin to lose trust in yourself. At that point, create boundaries. You'll know you're going too far if you start concealing your interactions with your crush: If you wouldn't want your spouse to hear the conversations you have with your crush because of how intimate they are, you may be crossing a loyalty line.
Do a simple cost-benefit analysis: If the costs of leaving the situation outweigh the costs of staying (for instance, if you work with your crush, it's not always easy to change departments or jobs), make sure to limit your personal exchanges with the object of your affection—that means no flirty e-mails or texts. Talk to your crush about fun plans with your partner and/or your kids, so he knows that you are committed to your family. And avoid private catch up sessions whenever possible.
Strategy 5: Have A Reality Check
When we have a crush, it's easy to get carried away by the fantasy of something new, and to think in terms of the immediate gratification that a fun fling would bring into our lives. While it may seem appealing to consider an affair with another man, take a step back and consider how that may affect you and your marriage. Are you willing to potentially risk what you've built with your husband to pursue your crush?
And—always remind yourself of the bigger picture. Over time the novelty will wear off and your sexy crush is guaranteed to turn into a mere mortal with morning breath and mood swings. Not so sexy.
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