Do You Need To Get Over Yourself?

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December 15, 2011 By Alison Gee
We're all for throwing a pity party on special occasions, like after a particularly tough breakup or when a co-worker gets promoted over you. But dragging out a woe-is-me attitude can start to drain you—and others. If you find yourself unable to stop grumbling about how nothing is going your way, then it may be time to get over yourself, says Paula Renaye, author of The Hardline Self Help Handbook. Here are four key signs that you need to stop your whining—along with Renaye's tough love advice on how to buck up and take charge of your own happiness.
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1. You convince yourself that you're powerless.
If your favorite mantra is I just don't know what to do, then you probably do know what to do—you just don't want to do it, says Renaye. "If you're in a relationship that's in constant turmoil, for example, you already know you need to get out of it," she explains. "Ask yourself: Would a person with high self-esteem and self-respect do what I'm doing? Think what I'm thinking? Tolerate what I'm tolerating? If the answer is no, then it's time to take action."
Renaye says that some people also find fault in potential solutions for fixing their problems and might even give excuses as to why suggestions from other people can't work. "If this sounds like you, what you really want is a magic wand to fix things without making any changes in your life," she says.
2. You complain to avoid change instead of taking action.
"Complaining about the same thing over and over may make you feel like you're doing something about a problem, but it just keeps you stuck pretending that you might," she says. "Either you want things to be different or you don't. If you do, then stop talking and do something different."
But if you do need to air real grievances, then make sure you're at least doing it to the right person. For example, a person who continually complains to her friends about her significant other typically doesn't want to risk talking to her partner, for fear of discovering that their relationship won't ever be what she wants it to be, says Renaye. "If you keep quiet, you can pretend the relationship might still work out," she says. "Let's get a clue here. If you can't talk to him, it already isn't working out. Time to have the talk or move on."
3. You still blame the past for the present.
Renaye says that if you continue to use whatever happened in your childhood as the reason why your life is lousy now, then you have zero chance of being happy. "You can't change what happened, but you can change how you allow it to affect your life," she says. "Keeping the past alive gives you permission to not have to take responsibility for yourself and your life. Grow up and move on."
While the past can affect our experience of the present—especially when it comes to our self-esteem and perception of others—it's important to train yourself to break the patterns that have been instilled in you. "When you walk around expecting bad things to happen, you are begging someone to do something to make you feel bad," says Renaye. She recommends dealing with life head-on—and fearlessly—by trying to look at situations objectively, while also not taking the comments and opinions of others too personally. However, if people in your life are treating you poorly, then it's up to you to change your relationships with them. "If you people take advantage of you all the time, you are not a victim; you are a volunteer," says Renaye.
4. You think that everything and everyone is at fault—except for you.
If you're the type who tends to complain about a major facet of your life, like your job, then it's time to get real, says Renaye. "Let's face it: Simply having any job today is a reason to be grateful, so start seeing it that way," she says. She suggests changing your attitude about your job and shifting how you interact with your co-workers to make the experience of going into the office each day more tolerable. "If you truly want out, do something about it," she says. "If you're not willing to do something to change the situation, keep quiet up about it."
Or perhaps you tend to focus on the changes other people need to make in order for you to be happy, rather than making changes to yourself. Do you find yourself saying, If only my husband/boyfriend/mother/boss would [fill in the blank], then everything would be OK? Renaye says that maybe it's time to realize that, no, it wouldn't. "If you are waiting for someone else to change so you can be happy, you're in for a long, miserable wait," she says. "Your happiness is your responsibility, and the sooner you accept that fact, the sooner you'll make choices that bring you happiness."
In fact, Renaye says that the easiest way to remain stuck and unhappy is to focus on how others need to fix themselves and their lives. "The only reason people do this is so they don't have to face their own issues," she explains. "And the only people who will tolerate chronic criticizers and complainers are, well, criticizers and complainers." If you find yourself continually finding fault in other people, then give it a rest, she says, and start being the person who you think everyone else ought to be.
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