So This Is Love?

But as the 1980s melted into the 1990s, a huge change began to take place in the social lives of high school students, one that exists to this day and that informs much of their private lives: They stopped pairing up, going steady and falling in love. Suddenly it was about the group event and only the group event. There were no more dates, no more nervously telephoned invitations to the movies or a concert, no more faltering toward a relationship.

I was still only in my early 30s, but in that moment I felt, for the first time, older than—and separate from—young people. They were moving toward something I couldn't understand or fathom. I felt old.

When I was in high school, all that my friends and I could think about was falling in love. We read books on the subject, watched movies about it, talked about it endlessly. And as each of us found our first real boyfriend, we had one of the major emotional experiences of our lives—after all, what's a more profound emotional state than first love as experienced by an adolescent? The idea that girls wouldn't want that for themselves was hard for me to wrap my head around—what's better than love?

The new generation didn't seem to be interested. Social life centered on the mini-mob event: the co-ed sleepovers at someone's house and, in college, the huge parties and the birth of a widespread hookup culture. There had certainly been plenty of casual sex when I was young (I'm not that old!), but hookup culture was different. It's not one option of several; in many communities of young people, it's become the only game in town.

One of the many interesting developments that led me to write my new book, Girl Land, was the discovery that as much as girls have embraced and helped create this new social landscape, a great many of them aren't happy about it. A huge number of girls hunger for the same kind of romantic experiences that my friends and I had enjoyed. Many of them would love the chance to have a boyfriend instead of just a bunch of boy friends.

Look at all the cultural phenomena that describe and celebrate this ideal: the Twilight books, Taylor Swift's music, Glee. The huge and ever-growing phenomenon of high school prom appeals so much to girls because it lends them—if only for one magical night—the feeling of what a real, old-fashioned date must have been like: an invitation, the boy coming to the door, and a planned activity in which you are, truly, a couple.

A lot of girls right now are yearning for the deep emotional connections and excitement that come with traditional romance, but they don't know how to get it. They are bitterly disappointed, and they think that the problem lies with the boys, who "aren't interested in these kinds of relationships anymore" and who "have no one to teach them."

I'm not so sure about that, and here is why: Girls are—and have always been—the ones who set the terms of their relationships with boys. Here's the basic truth of the matter: Adolescent boys and young men will do whatever it takes for access to female companionship and sexuality. If a girl's requirements for a boy to gain that access are that he must spend time with her, ask her on dates, study what she likes and dislikes so that he can get to know her, express his affection for her, and make a pledge to be faithful to her over the course of the relationship—if that is what is required of him, if he wants to be with her—then that is what he will do. But if her standards are different—if her standards are no standards—then those are the ones he will meet. If all it takes to get close to her is showing up at the same party and hooking up with her, then, well, his job is done.

Everything we know about young girls tells us that they value friendship, commitment, emotional connection and loyalty. Allowing the evolution of a culture—one in which their earliest physical experimentation with boys will take place without these important preconditions—has been a serious judgment lapse on the part of adults who care about girls. It robs them of a valuable and enriching experience and sets them up for the more punishing and emotionally deadening world of college hookups and beyond.

I think we would do our young girls a great service by being more involved in their interactions with boys. I would love to see more co-ed events for young people that aren't centered on academic or athletic events, but on just having fun—bowling, the movies, skating or hiking—all with appropriate adult supervision. Young teenagers are dying to get together socially, and with organized—and chaperoned—events, they can get to know each other in a fun, appropriate context.