The One Thing You Should Know About Marriage

A couple must agree on the following topics: 1) Do they want kids? 2) Do they want a dog? 3) Do they want sex? 4) Do they want sleep? (If they answer yes to 3 and 4, then they must answer no to 1.) And finally, 5) Who mixes the cocktails before they both don the sexy rubber gloves and clean the toilet? —E. Jean Carroll, advice columnist for ELLE

Whenever you're feeling annoyed and frustrated with your partner, or feeling unloved, most of the time you're misinterpreting him or her. For example, when a man comes home, quite often he just wants to be alone for a while. I call this 'cave time.' Don't feel as though he doesn't love you, that he doesn't care, or that you're not important. Really, men simply cope with stress differently [than women do]. Educate yourself to understand your differences in a positive way. —John Gray Ph.D., author of the Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus series

List five things you don't like about your intended. Then decide whether or not you can live with these things in the long term. If you can't think of five things, then you either don't know your partner well enough, or you are not paying close enough attention. If you can identify five things, but you expect them to get better once you say 'I do,' you don't understand marriage well enough to get involved. —Judge Lynn Toler of Divorce Court, author of My Mother's Rules: A Practical Guide to Becoming an Emotional Genius

Respect is the most important part of a relationship, because no matter how much you love each other, life throws surprises at you, and it's important that you make decisions together. Spouses need to listen to one another and respect the other's views. These days, one of the best ways a man can show respect to a woman is by being proud of her career. Women today need support for their work the same way men always have. —Grandma Glo, married for 61 years and the subject of her granddaughter Kristine Gasbarre's book How to Love An American Man

Remember why you fell in love, and always choose each other. Choose each other over all other people—over your parents, even over your kids. You don't always have to agree, but you do need to make each other the center of your lives. Also, be forgiving, never lose your sense of humor, and be grateful for the blessing of having found each other. — Rabbi Laura Geller of Temple Emanuel of Beverly Hills

Every couple should know that marriage is a choice you have to make every day. A relationship requires two drivers who help move it forward, though occasionally you and your partner will alternate taking the lead. Relationships are work. But the work doesn't have to be difficult; it can be fun and fulfilling. —Andrea Syrtash, author of He's Just Not Your Type… and That's a Good Thing

The most subtle and destructive force in marriage is taking your wife or husband for granted. Remind yourself every day why you love your spouse, and be aware of what you really want out of your marriage. If there are lingering problems or growing distance, being conscious about why you love your partner will help you confront him or her with empathy and respect, rather than resentment and aggression. —Michael Batshaw, LCSW, author of Before Saying I Do: The Essential Guide to a Successful Marriage

Only date for one year. And if he doesn't give you a ring after a year, dump him. Never live together [before marriage] to 'test it out.' There are plenty of weekends that you can spend together to tell you if you should live together and to give you that feeling. You don't need the full move-in, lock, stock and barrel and then give the milk away for free. Have you paid attention to Jessica Biel and JT? Hello! —Patti Stanger of Millionaire Matchmaker

It is imperative that you and your spouse be best friends. Friendship outlasts earning potential and the ability to fit into that size-two dress. A marriage based on friendship allows you to be the true person that you are, at all times. True friendship endures the heartache and pain of life and calls you to be selfless. To love someone is a choice that you make to give of yourself even while it hurts. Thus, the true enemy of love is not hate, but selfishness. —Brother Tyson Moore of Crenshaw Church of Christ in Los Angeles

Keep the physical aspect of your relationship alive as best as you can. This sense of closeness offers a kind of communication that goes beyond words. While sex is important, there's always a way to keep the sensual aspect going—it doesn't have to be intercourse. Knowing that there is someone in your life who is always there for a hug, a handhold, a kiss or a cuddle in the night creates a secure feeling better that anything else, which is especially important during the hard times. —Bonnie Jacobson, Ph.D., author of Save Your Marriage In Five Minutes a Day

If your sex life to date has been 'traditional' and you believe you and your partner will both be open to greater levels of future 'experimentation,' make sure you are both on the same page. Nothing leads a couple into trouble more than failed expectations. Also be sure to discuss the impact children will have on your sex life; this is a reason many people struggle and begin to stray. —Noel Biderman, founder of AshleyMadison.com

Before getting married, you have to be on the same page about raising kids and wanting children. If you're on marriage number two, or even three, and already have kids, you have to know if your soon-to-be-spouse wants kids and will not only love yours like his own, but will also respect the boundaries that you've set up regarding how you raise and reprimand your kids. If he's in a different stratosphere about this, then the relationship will never work. —Lee Block, founder of The Post-Divorce Dating Club

The road to intimacy is paved with empathy, the ability to resonate with your partner emotionally as your partner resonates with you emotionally. Recent neuroscientific findings show that mirror neurons link partners in a romantic and meaningful relationship so they can empathize with each other, forgive and love more deeply. —Frances Cohen Praver, Ph.D., author of The New Science of Love: How Understanding Your Brain's Wiring Can Help Rekindle Your Relationship