What His Facial Hair Says About Him
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- What His Facial Hair Says About Him
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FacialHair_v011 of 24
Full Beard2 of 24
By Natasha Burton
This style signifies alpha-male-status, and George Clooney sure wears it nicely. "With his mane, the lion presides over the jungle as king. So does [the fully-bearded] man," says Jack Passion, author of The Facial Hair Handbook. "If the beard is solid, subtle and sharp you're looking at self-actualized enlightenment, the pinnacle of manhood."
Full Beard3 of 24
The full beard can vary, however, even ebb into mountain-man territory, as seen with Zach Galifianakis's lusher look. "Maybe he's a little granola, but in a good way: Your kids will eat organic," says Passion. "[In fact], the beard is the male equivalent of child bearing hips."
Full Beard4 of 24
But, it needs to be groomed to be effective. "A full, natural beard "can signify virility, shyness, mania or laziness," depending on how its worn, according to Michael Ames, author of The World Beard and Moustache Championships. In Joaquin Phoenix's case, this untamed beard is the first sign of his turn to the weird side.
Goatee5 of 24
Like the full beard, this style "can range from the generic to the world class. It all depends on a man's devotion to his face," says Ames. Don't tell Blair Underwood, but this look is better reserved for older men. "The goatee is a mature style ... so on a younger man, maybe he's saying he's got something to prove?" says Passion. "On an older guy, he's saying, 'I've earned the right to wear this,' and simply by wearing it, he has."
Overall Scruff6 of 24
All we can say about Zachary Levi's look is ... yum. Luckily, Passion can give us further analysis. "Assuming this isn't the beginning of a beard, overall scruff could say a few different things, so look at the jeans," he advises. "Designer? He's in it to get laid, plain and simple. Covered in oil paint? Artist, probably living off parents' vast old wealth ... a gold digger's jackpot."
Overall Scruff7 of 24
Since Glo's fabulous Facebook friends told us they are partial to this style, as well, here's another gratuitous picture. So, what does this facial hair look say about the man sporting it? That he's hot. (Jon Hamm, thank you for confirming this highly scientific theory.)
Sideburns8 of 24
As rather a non-committal style of facial hair, sideburns could signal “a man finding himself,” says Passion. “Not yet willing to grow out a beard, [this guy has] begun to let his sideburns grow in to test the waters." His advice: "Jump in, buddy!” John Corbett certainly has.
Sideburns9 of 24
This style also works well as an accent to that all-over scruff we like so much. "Once the purview of rebels and bikers, sideburns are the new goatee," says Ames. "Every guy's got them." Even Edward Cullen!
Chinstrap10 of 24
This could be one of the silliest, pointless forms of facial hair, and, we hate to say it, borderlines on icky. A man with a strap “probably spends an inordinate amount of time making other things that are fine to begin with look perverse, too. For instance, import cars,” says Passion. (Sorry, Chris Daughtry.)
Mustache11 of 24
If your guy is a mustache-man, like Jason Schwartzman sometimes is, he deserves major props. The 'stache is "the only difficult part of a beard, making it hard to eat, kiss, etc.," Passion notes. "For a man to voluntarily take on the hardest part of the game ... it's a sign [that he] bows to no challenge, least of which being the number of negative stereotypes that so unfairly haunt the mustache."
Mustache12 of 24
I mean, just look at Tom Selleck — that mustache is so fitting, so cool, so, well, sexy. Well-groomed and perfectly sized, he makes this facial hair style one to envy.
Mustache13 of 24
As great as Tom's mustache is, his look clearly isn't one for every man. Sometimes, the 'stache can go awry — and enter bonafide creepster territory. Exhibit A: the normally handsome Billy Zane. What were you thinking?
Handlebar 'Stache14 of 24
Upping the ante on the mustache is this style, for which a man embarks on a rigorous upkeep regimen. "The handlebar says that this man is willing to groom [his facial hair] to perfection. A great compromise in which case everyone wins," says Passion. Though, "sometimes [this style is] the mark of a hipster in denial." And in that case, we say beware of men using their 'stache merely for ironic purposes. Geraldo's, however, totally works.
Handlebar 'Stache15 of 24
Guys, if you want to try this look for yourself (though we doubt anyone can rock it as well as Hulk Hogan), Ames advices: "Think styling products: beeswax, carpenter's glue or even parafin." And, he warns, "Stay away from open flames."
Flavor-Saver16 of 24
Also known as a soul patch, this form of facial hair is not for every man. "If worn alone, this guy is surely fond of the '90s," says Passion. "With another style, like a mustache for instance, the flavor-saver is an easy way to get bonus points." While we're not sure we're into the "soul" man, we appreciate the dedication it must take to trim and maintain that tiny patch of hair. The Boss is working it.
The Combo17 of 24
Nothing hides a babyface like some strategically placed facial hair. Here, Joe Jonas combines all-over scruff, with the 'stache, the goatee and the flavor-saver. That, or he just can't grow a full beard yet. (You'll get there, buddy!)
The Combo18 of 24
Don't feel too bad, though, Joe. Leonardo DiCaprio still uses a similar technique to mask his youthfulness. And, as with pretty much all things Leo does, we like it.
Mutton Chops19 of 24
“When done right, massive chops can be regal. When done wrong, few things look as much like a dead animal on your face,” says Ames. In terms of the man spotting the chops, as Lemmy Kilmister does: “Assume he's detail oriented, because to keep any style like this groomed, it takes work. This man is also not afraid to let it grow and express his wild side,” Passion says.
Weird Beard20 of 24
Even for beard enthusiasts like Passion, putting patterns and swirls in one’s facial hair, like Ludacris did, is going too far. “Unless seen in competition or exhibition, weird designs are a desperate cry for attention. Facial hair is marginalized and (unfortunately) exotic enough as it is, we don't need this kind of stuff hurting the cause,” he says.
Embellished21 of 24
Thanks to Johnny Depp, the notion of braiding, dreading or even beading one's facial hair could be considered kinda sexy — if only on him. “Unless you're at a pirate party or a Renaissance faire, each bead represents another foot of distance you should keep [away from this guy]," says Passion. However, if you are at such a gathering, “this is the guy you want to be partying with.”
Clean-Shaven22 of 24
But, we must ask, what about the men who choose to forgo the facial hair entirely? As much as we love kissing a scruffy man, we don't particularly enjoy the skin irritation that often goes with it. So, yeah, I guess we'd have no problem smooching Tyson Beckford. If he, you know, happened to call us or something.
Clean-Shaven23 of 24
As a facial hair aficionado, Passion does not approve of this look. "Call mall security and let's find this little boy's mommy ... Oh, what's that, young man? You're 31?" he asks, mocking the clean-shaven man. While we do like the smooth look, we have to admit that facial hair is sexier. Even when the bare cheeks belong to Tom Cruise.
Clean-Shaven24 of 24
Passion advises men who shy away from a little stubble to "get with the program — beards are back." Maybe President Obama can look to famed beard-sporter Abraham Lincoln for ideas?
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