What His Facial Hair Says About Him

Full Beard

By Natasha Burton

This style signifies alpha-male-status, and George Clooney sure wears it nicely. "With his mane, the lion presides over the jungle as king. So does [the fully-bearded] man," says Jack Passion, author of The Facial Hair Handbook. "If the beard is solid, subtle and sharp you're looking at self-actualized enlightenment, the pinnacle of manhood."

Full Beard

But, it needs to be groomed to be effective. "A full, natural beard "can signify virility, shyness, mania or laziness," depending on how its worn, according to Michael Ames, author of The World Beard and Moustache Championships. In Joaquin Phoenix's case, this untamed beard is the first sign of his turn to the weird side.

Goatee

Like the full beard, this style "can range from the generic to the world class. It all depends on a man's devotion to his face," says Ames. Don't tell Blair Underwood, but this look is better reserved for older men. "The goatee is a mature style ... so on a younger man, maybe he's saying he's got something to prove?" says Passion. "On an older guy, he's saying, 'I've earned the right to wear this,' and simply by wearing it, he has."

Overall Scruff

All we can say about Zachary Levi's look is ... yum. Luckily, Passion can give us further analysis. "Assuming this isn't the beginning of a beard, overall scruff could say a few different things, so look at the jeans," he advises. "Designer? He's in it to get laid, plain and simple. Covered in oil paint? Artist, probably living off parents' vast old wealth ... a gold digger's jackpot."

Overall Scruff

Since Glo's fabulous Facebook friends told us they are partial to this style, as well, here's another gratuitous picture. So, what does this facial hair look say about the man sporting it? That he's hot. (Jon Hamm, thank you for confirming this highly scientific theory.)

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Sideburns

As rather a non-committal style of facial hair, sideburns could signal “a man finding himself,” says Passion. “Not yet willing to grow out a beard, [this guy has] begun to let his sideburns grow in to test the waters." His advice: "Jump in, buddy!” John Corbett certainly has.

Sideburns

This style also works well as an accent to that all-over scruff we like so much. "Once the purview of rebels and bikers, sideburns are the new goatee," says Ames. "Every guy's got them." Even Edward Cullen!

Chinstrap

This could be one of the silliest, pointless forms of facial hair, and, we hate to say it, borderlines on icky. A man with a strap “probably spends an inordinate amount of time making other things that are fine to begin with look perverse, too. For instance, import cars,” says Passion. (Sorry, Chris Daughtry.)

Mustache

If your guy is a mustache-man, like Jason Schwartzman sometimes is, he deserves major props. The 'stache is "the only difficult part of a beard, making it hard to eat, kiss, etc.," Passion notes. "For a man to voluntarily take on the hardest part of the game ... it's a sign [that he] bows to no challenge, least of which being the number of negative stereotypes that so unfairly haunt the mustache."

Mustache

I mean, just look at Tom Selleck — that mustache is so fitting, so cool, so, well, sexy. Well-groomed and perfectly sized, he makes this facial hair style one to envy.

Mustache

As great as Tom's mustache is, his look clearly isn't one for every man. Sometimes, the 'stache can go awry — and enter bonafide creepster territory. Exhibit A: the normally handsome Billy Zane. What were you thinking?

Handlebar 'Stache

Upping the ante on the mustache is this style, for which a man embarks on a rigorous upkeep regimen. "The handlebar says that this man is willing to groom [his facial hair] to perfection. A great compromise in which case everyone wins," says Passion. Though, "sometimes [this style is] the mark of a hipster in denial." And in that case, we say beware of men using their 'stache merely for ironic purposes. Geraldo's, however, totally works.

Handlebar 'Stache

Guys, if you want to try this look for yourself (though we doubt anyone can rock it as well as Hulk Hogan), Ames advices: "Think styling products: beeswax, carpenter's glue or even parafin." And, he warns, "Stay away from open flames."

Flavor-Saver

Also known as a soul patch, this form of facial hair is not for every man. "If worn alone, this guy is surely fond of the '90s," says Passion. "With another style, like a mustache for instance, the flavor-saver is an easy way to get bonus points." While we're not sure we're into the "soul" man, we appreciate the dedication it must take to trim and maintain that tiny patch of hair. The Boss is working it.

The Combo

Nothing hides a babyface like some strategically placed facial hair. Here, Joe Jonas combines all-over scruff, with the 'stache, the goatee and the flavor-saver. That, or he just can't grow a full beard yet. (You'll get there, buddy!)

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The Combo

Don't feel too bad, though, Joe. Leonardo DiCaprio still uses a similar technique to mask his youthfulness. And, as with pretty much all things Leo does, we like it.

Mutton Chops

“When done right, massive chops can be regal. When done wrong, few things look as much like a dead animal on your face,” says Ames. In terms of the man spotting the chops, as Lemmy Kilmister does: “Assume he's detail oriented, because to keep any style like this groomed, it takes work. This man is also not afraid to let it grow and express his wild side,” Passion says.

Weird Beard

Even for beard enthusiasts like Passion, putting patterns and swirls in one’s facial hair, like Ludacris did, is going too far. “Unless seen in competition or exhibition, weird designs are a desperate cry for attention. Facial hair is marginalized and (unfortunately) exotic enough as it is, we don't need this kind of stuff hurting the cause,” he says.

Embellished

Thanks to Johnny Depp, the notion of braiding, dreading or even beading one's facial hair could be considered kinda sexy — if only on him. “Unless you're at a pirate party or a Renaissance faire, each bead represents another foot of distance you should keep [away from this guy]," says Passion. However, if you are at such a gathering, “this is the guy you want to be partying with.”

Clean-Shaven

But, we must ask, what about the men who choose to forgo the facial hair entirely? As much as we love kissing a scruffy man, we don't particularly enjoy the skin irritation that often goes with it. So, yeah, I guess we'd have no problem smooching Tyson Beckford. If he, you know, happened to call us or something.

Clean-Shaven

As a facial hair aficionado, Passion does not approve of this look. "Call mall security and let's find this little boy's mommy ... Oh, what's that, young man? You're 31?" he asks, mocking the clean-shaven man. While we do like the smooth look, we have to admit that facial hair is sexier. Even when the bare cheeks belong to Tom Cruise.

Clean-Shaven

Passion advises men who shy away from a little stubble to "get with the program — beards are back." Maybe President Obama can look to famed beard-sporter Abraham Lincoln for ideas?

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