What Your Daughter-In-Law Won't Tell You

Don't Judge

When a mother-in-law makes negative comments, her daughter-in-law may feel like she's being judged, says Mandel. "Yet your mother-in-law may feel as though you're doing things differently than she did to undermine her." Meanwhile, she says, "a mother-in-law is smart not to offer unsolicited advice. If your daughter-in-law asks how you used to do things, tell her and leave it at that."

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Don't Tell Me How To Parent

The topic of raising and disciplining your kids can quickly become a battleground because it's an emotional one. LeAnn* has curbed this intrusion by responding to her mother-in-law's suggestions with "They're fine" or "We raise them differently." She's on the right track, says Mandel. "Daughters-in-law should try to respond neutrally ('That's an interesting point') rather than negatively, which only fuels the fire."

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Don't Just Come Over

For years, Anne* and her husband lived just blocks from her in-laws, who were fond of ringing their doorbell on Saturday mornings—without calling first. "This is the time for the husband to get involved," says psychologist Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D. "Suggest he try something like 'Mom, we love seeing you, but Saturday mornings are so crazy with the kids. Next time, call first so we can be sure the gathering is more relaxed.'"

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Don't Pressure Us

Claire's* in-laws, who are Catholic, openly fret to her and her husband about how they have yet to baptize their son (something they have no intention of doing), causing uncomfortable feelings all around. Here, both sides have to come to the realization that the question of religion may never be settled. "It may be a core value for the in-laws, so if you reject their religion—especially for your children—they may feel personally attacked," says Mandel.

Don't Criticize My Home

Margaret's* mother-in-law always adds her two cents about how her daughter-in-law cares for her own home. Even if the mother-in-law believes she's being helpful, her daughter-in-law may hear, "You're the worst housekeeper ever," says Lombardo. If the comments are frequent and become aggressive, then follow up with, "I'd appreciate if you didn't always point these things out." (Hint: This may be more effective coming from your husband!)

Don't Bring Up Exes

Of course your in-laws should embrace you in their son's life and let all those old flames die out. "You can ask, mildly and neutrally, why they keep bringing up his ex," says Mandel, but it's not necessary if you feel good about your relationship. And if it really irritates you or goes on for too long, says Lombardo, then "have your husband pull his parents aside and tell them, nicely, that he's not happy with the comments." They may not realize they are upsetting you, after all.