When "Me" Becomes "We"

When I lived alone, I always kept the bathroom door open. When I moved in with my boyfriend, I thought that if I changed the open-door policy, then I'd soon be changing other things to suit him—then after years of changing little things, who would I be? After longer than I'd like to admit of adhering to the open-door practice (and a significant loss of libido on both our parts), I finally admitted to myself that, when 'me' becomes 'we,' it's OK to be flexible. You'll still be you. Besides, maintaining a little mystery, it turns out, can be a turn-on. —Mara Altman, author of Thanks for Coming

If the 'me' feels like it's becoming 'we,' then you are marrying the wrong person. You must never lose yourself in someone else. A relationship with the best shot of going the distance is made up of two distinct individuals who share a house, children, their hearts and a future, but they each remain true to his and her own self.” —Iris Krasnow, author of The Secret Lives of Wives

You can no longer put your own needs and wants first all the time. You can't just fly off with for a girls' weekend or a golf outing or go for a happy hour and come home at 1AM. Be sure to consider that you now have someone else that you must put before yourself. One of the biggest things I hear in my coaching practice is the lack of compromise in the relationship that took place and how hurtful it was. If you aren't ready to give up parts of your life to become a 'we,' then you aren't ready to stop being a 'me.' —Lee Block, founder of The Post-Divorce Dating Club

The idea that we have to give up something to be in a relationship is an unnecessary deterrent from making a commitment. When I can eat out at the best restaurant in town, I certainly don't feel I have to give up eating junk food. By taking more time before making a commitment, the pluses naturally overshadow any minuses. —John Gray, Ph.D., author of the Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus series

Anyone will tell you that compromise is essential to any marriage. The question then becomes How much compromise is necessary, and what should you compromise over? Some adjustments always need to be made. When you are talking day-to-day procedural things, from when to pay what bill and who does what chore, think New way, not whose way. You have to be able to let go of the notion that there is a right and wrong way to do things. There is your way and your spouse's way; then there is a way that will work for the both of you. —Judge Lynn Toler, star of Divorce Court

During this transition, you have to take into account the amount of effort and time a relationship takes. People often get the wrong idea about romance from Hollywood and rom-coms, but what those movies don't show is what happens after 'happily ever after' begins and the real world sets in. Anything worth having takes a little work, and that's never truer than when it comes to love and marriage. Communicate often, make time for each other, and be the best partner you can be. —Laura Berman, Ph.D., author of Real Sex for Real Women

Never, never, never, never, never become a 'we.' 'We' kills eroticism. 'We' murders love. 'We' snaps you in leg shackles and glues you both to the couch in your seven-year-old underwear. Compromise all you like. Bargaining is a sport all women can win. But if I hear about any of you becoming a 'we,' I'll drive to your house and flog you with my old flip-flop. —E. Jean Carroll, advice columnist for ELLE

Each partner must be willing to shave off a little here and there to ensure that the pieces of each other's life fit well together. Here you have two distinct people with two distinct histories along with varying perspectives, beliefs and approaches to life. Change becomes the glue that causes two unrelated pieces to form together, and the level of each person's willingness to do so only better facilitates a smooth transition and a happy ending. —Jacqueline Del Rosario, Ph.D., motivational speaker and America's Marriage Doctor

My formula for a good relationship: Stand like an oak, bend like grass. Some people fail to budge even on minor issues, as if the relationship is some kind of competition that they can't afford to lose. A problem arises when one person does more than her fair share of giving in and going along. It's not good to compromise out of a fear of rocking the boat, or because you're so conflict-avoidant that you can't hold your ground. When people have no bottom line, their self-regard and their relationship will spiral downward. —Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., author of Marriage Rules

When a couple gets married, 'self-care' becomes 'us-care.' Partners need to realize that caring for one's physical, mental, spiritual and financial well-being is no longer a solo affair. Your decisions, healthy or unhealthy, now intimately affect the happiness, health and fulfillment of someone other than yourself. Giving up Let me do my own thing; it shouldn't effect you and recognizing the impact these choices have on your partner is one of the hallmarks of a mature relationship. —Michael Batshaw, LCSW, author of Before Saying I Do: The Essential Guide to a Successful Marriage