Worst Sports Stadium Behaviors

Rushing the Field

Spectators should not be running out on the field in the middle of a game. Not only is it dumb, it stops the game. If it was a Victoria’s Secret model running onto the field in lingerie, that’s one thing, but some drunken idiot being chased around by overweight security guards is another.

Soccer Stampedes

This is not only rude and uncomfortable, it’s, well, deadly. What it takes exactly for hordes of fans to crush to death other hordes of fans at soccer — aka “football” — matches I can only guess: extreme drunkenness, extreme poor judgment and extreme poorly timed panic. If I had a choice of running with the bulls at Pamplona or being crushed by rabid soccer fans, I choose the bulls.

Doing the Wave

This ludicrous fan ritual is both annoying and completely contrary to watching sports. Why should I or anyone else be obligated to follow a massive crowd in a display of senseless conformity that brings to mind “Triumph of The Will” more than “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”? Does the wave motivate the home team? No. Does it distract the visitors? No. So stop doing the wave!

Horn Tooting

The vuvuzela horns ruined the 2010 World Cup. Why did those idiot fans keep blowing those horrible horns? What happened to cheering and applause? I’d rather listen to an endless loop of Justin Bieber songs than those damn horns!

Screaming at Kids

If you’re an adult who wears a Red Sox hat to a Yankees game, you’re making a decision to court grief, but what goes on in the mind of a grown man who tells off a child for wearing a different hat? What satisfaction can he possibly get from this? Any adult who feels this is a reasonable act ought to be sent to a European soccer game to be crushed.

Beach Ball Toss

This may be a Southern California phenomenon, but at every Dodgers game I’ve ever attended, some dingaling blows up an oversized multicolored beach ball and sends it all over the stadium. For some reason, everyone hypnotically ignores the professional athletes being paid millions of dollars playing on the field and instead focuses their attention on a four-dollar plastic ball. If you wanted to play a beach ball, why didn’t you just go to the dang beach?!

Eating the Nachos

Super-salted, processed, deep-fried tortilla chips smothered in liquid cheese the temperature of volcanic lava and the color of 1970s smiley face…it’s not food, OK? It’s a gastronomy abomination!

WHAT YOUR GUY'S FAVORITE SPORT REVEALS ABOUT HIM

Victorious Beer Baths

This is where fans of the winning team celebrate their team’s victory by throwing the beer cups in the air, showering the fans around them in beer. For some reason these buffoons believe that a sport team’s triumph gives them the right to drench their fellow fans with their backwash brew. I have the sneaky suspicion that these are the same missing links that turn over cars, loot shops and riot with police when their team wins a championship.

Heckling Players

Yes, I know heckling is part of the game, but honestly, a player’s miscue should not be an excuse for a fan to become a jerk. I was sitting with my son when Milton Bradley missed a fly ball, and fans just a few yards away started taunting him. Bradley tried to ignore them, but they would not stop. Finally, my 8-year-old son asked, “Daddy, why do they keep calling Milton Bradley a ‘f$#!ing a$!h@#%e’?” Nice.

Acting Like Me…

… at my son’s baseball and basketball games. Yes, I admit it, I’m the dad who cheers too loudly, questions the umps’ and refs’ calls and overreacts to errors and bad coaching decisions. There was one league that actually banned me from the stands and made me watch the game from behind the center field fence. So, you see, I am the biggest bad sports behaving hypocrite there is.